Chapter II
Being an accepted disciple
I remember years ago when I heard a voice inside me that asked me if I wanted to serve life itself and collective evolution. Then, after a few years, I was still asked to offer my mind in the service of the Ascended Masters.
And I remember with how much desire and dedication I had answered affirmatively and spent years and years preparing myself, even though I didn't know exactly what this could entail, what renunciation it had required.
But I felt it was my way. I was born for this, and also an incurable and highly-disabling illness had soon entered to be part of my youth, leaving me very little freedom of movement.
At the time I knew little or nothing on the subject of chelaship, but I was guided internally by successive realizations. Then, over the years, I had come into possession of some ancient texts of the Theosophical School which explained what could mean being an accepted pupil of an Ascended Master, a chela. The duration of the test was at least seven years, during which the Master watched the probationary disciple, also called "not-accepted chela".
It was of fundamental importance during this period not to have hesitations and not to dirty the investigating Presence of the Master with behaviors, moods, or thoughts that were not in line with integral and elevated conduct.
Seven years, the texts explained. It was not a random number but rather the minimum time necessary for all the energy centers of the body to get used to that high-frequency energy and gradually transmute itself until it can be contained, at least in part, of course.
In fact, according to Oriental Medicine, our body changed most or all of its cells in cycles of seven years. And these cycles also involved entering a further life cycle for the physical body.
In my case, it took several years, maybe as many as 14! That's probably because of the compromised physical condition in which I had found myself years ago. The fact is that I never wanted to count how much time was passing. I lived my life to the fullest, and that's it.
Moreover, according to some studies on Theosophy, at the beginning of the last century, thousands had been probationers and, according to their own writings, only a small number had complete success and became an accepted chela, one in particular. This would certainly not have been encouraging to know!
I have reason to believe that this very chela, held by them in vogue, was none other than Jiddu Krishnamurti, who then repudiated the Theosophical Organization and retired by himself to write books and give lectures of a spiritual nature.
Moreover, other spiritual seekers had indicated how the Theosophical Organization had gradually become, at least at that time, more like a religious sect than a real school of being and therefore, in a sense, had failed. Although enriching Humanity with ancient and mysterious knowledge, it had itself failed to grasp its essence.
I did not feel like investigating further. I had studied some of their complex and hermetic texts over the years. But I hadn't wanted to let myself be influenced by intellectual knowledge. I entrusted myself to my inner voice and let it, thanks to coincidences, guide me to the readings that were necessary to me. I could not tire my mind, already very tired by the illness and, therefore also for this reason, I studied only what was indicated to me.
The doubt whether all this was just my invention, an escape from reality, was always there. And it is still partly present. But the fire of true knowledge that burns in me indomitably guides me, and I immediately gave up to it, not without fear, and let myself be guided and sustained.
Chap III
The first contact
During my spiritual awakening, I was going through a dark night of the Soul. This is called the phase of the path of self-knowledge, in which one feels very down. The physical is always exhausted; low morale and inner faculties are substantially diminished.
Alone, in my university apartment in Bologna, I prayed incessantly for God to send me help to get better and to untangle the complexity of thoughts and emotions that gripped me.
Besides, I must add, the physical illness that had plagued me for some time was getting worse, and I was confined to bed for longer and longer periods.
One night I was browsing on what was then one of the very few or, perhaps, the only website that dealt with "spiritual awakening" in Italy, and I was guided into a link called "I AM Impersonal Life". At that moment the inner voice, which had not been heard for a long time, was revealed, telling me to read.
It was an epiphany! The text masterfully described what my thoughts and attitudes had been and indicated the way to dissolve these inner conflicts by obtaining an elevation of one's spirit. From the first words, my body was struck by chills of a kind of energy never felt before, and, as my mind grasped the thoughts expressed in the first chapters, my soul opened up to that vibration with ever-greater depth and intensity.
It was a long process. I read that challenging book one chapter at a time, always waking up at night, at intervals of a few days. Every time I resumed reading, I understood new things about myself, and, above all, the inner vibration came back and filled me with such long-awaited peace.
I arrived at the end of the book transformed and reborn, and I had finished the phase called "Of the Seeking", the one in which one needs to search for spiritual teachings in order to achieve a new belief system that can allow the mind to expand and the Soul to evolve.
Only then did I feel an avid curiosity. Who was the Author of this paper? Who was this brilliant and magnanimous Count of Saint Germain? A quick Google search at the time did not give me complete answers. I know that nowadays the Web is full of information about it, but only a couple of decades ago there were not many traces to follow.
To my great astonishment and, perhaps, even a little disappointment, I came very soon to discover that the Count was a figure more mythical than real, an enigmatic Character who was said not to grow old, was able to alchemically produce gold, was the Founder of Secret Societies, and even more bizarre things that, to tell the truth, left me not a little puzzled.
In fact, after finally resolving the agony that had led me to seek my true essence and having finally found some peace and ease, I found myself having to accept the possibility that the only "Person" able to explain to me how to complete the path of self-knowledge was a Figure that was hardly defined outside the lines. Yet another open mind was needed to accept the existence of these great Eternal Beings called Ascended Masters.
I ardently desired a bit of normality and being able to compare myself with everyone without hiding anything, but this new discovery forced me again to have to keep quiet about what was going on in me.
For years, in my spare time, I searched for everything I could about the Count. I read all the books I found, contacted and met people who were connected to Him. I felt I had to reach a greater understanding, and again a very strong thirst took possession of my spirit. This time it was of a different nature, no longer mental or esoteric knowledge but rather spiritual. I always wanted to keep that wonderful vibration in me that I felt when I read that book. I wanted to know and acquire the mastery of that Violet Flame which had burned me on those nights.
And so I opened my hunt for the Count ...
Chapter IV
The First Initiation: " You are energy"
It is said in the ancient teachings that it is not good to seek the Astral Plane, and that is the spirits. Therefore, any search for contact and spiritism is excluded. Likewise, it is not advisable to ask to become a chela to the Ascended Masters, but it is strongly suggested to pass the spiritual initiations, and then, once this goal is achieved, the Ascended Master Himself will be revealed if He deems it to be the case.
"Chela is an unfortunate man . . . . . . a man who has entered upon a path not manifest, that is the most difficult path", as Krishna says.
It is also well established in a famous introductory text to this discipline that:
Before the eyes can see, they must be incapable of tears. Before the ear can hear, it must have lost its sensitiveness. The tongue must have lost the power to wound. The soul can stand in the blood of the heart.
It is, thus, I feel the responsibility to warn readers so that they do not undertake this way, or spiritism, but rather they dedicate themselves to reaching the highest spiritual peaks, practicing the right inner and naturally external path, looking for simplicity and integrity in everything they do, that they purify their physical body and their thoughts and, finally, harmonize their emotions. Only at that point and after the first three spiritual initiations have taken place, if it will be the case, can one be a candidate for the life of an accepted chela by an Ascended Master.
Success will follow after having accomplished the great sacrifice necessary to raise one's being and also the great renunciation of serving one's ego in order to dedicate one's existence to the service of life itself.
My first initiation took place when I was just twenty-one.
In the two previous years, I had felt attracted by meditation, which I had learned and practiced for a few months. I still remember that strange classroom full of people of all ages, sitting uncomfortably on the floor without shoes in a small room on Via Fioravanti in Bologna. The teacher, always smiling and of few words, invited us to fix on a flower or a candle and remain still on such contemplation until the thoughts began to fade. Then in the evening, among the hilarity of my cousins, with whom at the time I shared the college apartment, I sat at the foot of the bed and meditated in solitude, listening to New Age Music and lighting some bad incense purchased on the street. I learned the technique, but after a few months I felt too strange for the unnatural calm that rose in me, and I decided to let it go.
Shortly thereafter I was attracted by a Course of Hypnosis, which I followed with the clear awareness of wanting to enter an altered state of consciousness and better understand what this desire for knowledge of myself was.
I want to say that until then my life had been fantastic from all points of view and that no psychological or any kind of discomfort pushed me to look for such knowledge. It was a real inner drive that I followed to stay true to myself.
After completing the course in Hypnosis, I also left this discipline, strongly disappointed by the lack of integrity of my fellow students and even more of the instructors themselves. I realized, despite my young age, how dangerous it can be to hypnotize someone, and I decided that I would not have deepened or used this ability. During the last days of the course, a friend of mine asked me why I had registered, and the answer I gave was also amazing for me. "I am looking for the arrow of the Buddha, that, according to the legend, if you find it, you become enlightened."
In October 1996, I was given a text with an intriguing and obvious title at the same time: "The Prophecy of Celestino" by James Redfield. I was not really attracted to spiritual books, but I found the reading quite interesting, so much so that I began to talk to my brother about it. He also found some interesting ideas, but the effect that these concepts had on me was much more relevant.
Reading that we are energy and that this energy is exchanged in every interrelation with others, I opened myself to this truth with such depth that I began to feel a strange heat awakening at the base of the spine. This began to rise, and for days I remained in this strange state of power mixed with anxiety until one night the inner fire grew in intensity and reached the top of the head.
I felt myself burning but I didn't burn. I dreamed of the universe, the creation of planets and stars. It all seemed natural, like in a lucid dream. I thought it was just a transient experience and that the next morning I would wake up as if nothing had happened.
In reality, my spiritual energy had awakened, and from that moment nothing was as before. It was not an easy condition to live under since I had no idea what was happening to me. I did not feel prepared for this and desperately looked for someone to guide me. I wanted to return to feeling normal, but, as I suspected, it was not my way.
I began to be more introspective and to feel a push towards different themes. Since then even the inner voice, which we all hear now and then, became more present and began to guide me more and more frequently. However, I was very frightened and immediately felt uncomfortable; I would say terrified.
Within me, every thought was constantly self-analyzed, and my mind was no longer comfortable in old psychological patterns; my spirit was no longer gladdened by old companies and conventional everyday situations. I was also frightened by this inner voice, not understanding, then, the origin.
I then turned to a very charismatic figure, a priest who was considered by some of my acquaintances almost a saint. He immediately showed a keen interest in listening to me and, indeed, started going out often with me and my friends and also going to my house. At the time I was still living with my parents. And he became very present in every respect. It was almost a plagiarism; he had a plan for me. He wanted me to give myself to the priestly life, and I remember his words well during one of our frequent dialogues: "This pain that you have inside you comes from God, and if you do not accept His Will and that is if you do not become a priest, you will suffer forever!".
From the outset I observed that this priest had developed some charismas and, at times, seemed able to read my mind and utter the exact words that were passing through my mind at that moment. On more than one occasion I had proof of this, and I was not the only one to have witnessed these skills.
The point is that my inner voice pushed me in another direction. And that is that of Mysticism and knowledge of the inner self.
Not knowing which direction to take anymore, I entered a state of great existential confusion and experienced a series of tremendous panic attacks. They were very violent and took away my serenity and joy.
After these experiences, I turned to hide from everyone what was going on in me, and I tried for awhile to suppress everything. I told myself that if I had not continued to nurture these circumstances everything would have returned to normal, and I began to pretend to be what I was not: a conventional person.
That was how I gradually became ill! I developed underlying anxiety that weakened my nervous and immune system. My mood was always very low, and the people around me, as a natural reflection of my inner state, began to thin out. I was falling into a pit of darkness, and my spirit was greatly worn out. In these circumstances of sustained psycho-emotional stress, I contracted soon after the so-called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which bears the clinical name of Chronic Encephalomyelitis.
According to recent studies, it is due to a virus common to almost all the population but which, in circumstances of particular prolonged stress, manages to colonize the encephalous by inflaming it and making it not properly functioning.
I barely managed to complete my degree in international economics. Given my health, it was a real martyrdom to have to get up every morning and leave the house. But I was ready for anything and decided to go all the way and give my best every time.
The disease was not diagnosed at the time and even today remains almost incurable by Conventional Medicine. It got worse from year to year, and after graduation I found myself spending many years between the bed and the couch at home.
I was exhausted even beyond the limit, so drained of energy that I couldn't take a shower, mentally so tired that I couldn't even remember the words to strike up a common dialogue, so weak emotionally that I couldn't bear the stress of having people around. My head burned; everything was heavy beyond endurance.
To make matters worse, at the time there were not many cases of this condition, and, therefore, my obtuse attending physician stated that mine was common Depression and not a clinical condition. As a result, my parents also brought the cause to my psychology, and I found myself, therefore, without support but rather to be despised and blamed.
During that long period of inactivity, I continued to feel that strange energy that went up my spine and the inner voice that gradually became my only companion, my only teacher, and my true medicine. I became a person without fear. I was pushed to become whole in every respect, and I learned to live every day as if it were the last and to enjoy every little thing. I learned to love myself, to know myself, and to accept me for what I was.
In other words, I found peace with myself and learned to accept the spiritual transformation that was "spontaneously" happening in me. And from there I slowly started to feel better. Ten years of acute illness and ten of convalescence. Much of my youth went in this way.
On one of the long nights, while I lay motionless and suffering in the bed, the voice came out telling me: "Do you want to offer your life in service to Humanity?".
"Yes", I replied with conviction and fervor. "Then let it be", He told me with an inexplicable sweetness. "Let it be!"
Chapter V
The Second Initiation: " You are one with the whole"
It was December 1999 and for the first time in my life, I was completely alone. I was in Miami, Florida, I was there to look for an internship in a company and complete the requirements to pass the third year of the international university I was attending.
I had chosen Miami, tired of the cold of New York City where I had spent the last semester studying and living with my Italian companions. My physical condition had gradually deteriorated, to the point that I could no longer hide it and this made me feel very embarrassed. I also wanted to go to a "happy" place, in the heat, to the sea among cheerful and festive people. I chose Miami then and went to do the job interview. While waiting for an answer I was staying at the Banana Bungalow at 2360 Collins Avenue.
Over the years I had learned how to listen to the inner voice that was triggered after the first initiation and to follow his suggestions with increasing timing and incisiveness.
In the resort populated by young people where I was, I immediately made some friends for having a little party in the evening but my inner life led me to retire and stay on the sidelines. I arrived to make a supply of supplies, mostly of junk food, because I expected that something would happen to me. In fact, despite the paradisiacal setting, I was in, my physical condition was getting worse and I felt more and more agitated as if something inside me was moving. Something deep made such a deafening noise that it made the rest insignificant. And so after being almost unconscious on the street with fatigue, full of anxieties and fears about how I felt, I locked myself in my room, alone and ready to face the inevitable.
In bed, exhausted, I spent the time that remained suspended literally between life and death, open to any eventuality. That night finally that something I was expecting happened.
I sank into liberating drowsiness and clearly had before me the vision of a large round portal with strange incisions on it. Instinctively I later called that the Dragon's door to represent the access to our deepest part of the brain called the reptilian, where the conception of time and space is formed and is differentiated between individuality and the other, one and the whole.
In my inner vision, I knew instinctively that it would be useless to try to open this portal and so, at peace with existence, I metaphorically sat down and waited.
The question arrived almost immediately was: "Why do you want to enter?"
My answer: "I don't want to go in, but if it's right for me to do it, open up and let me pass."
I was flooded with bursts of energy so intense that I almost lost consciousness. My spine was crossed causing some spasms and also moderate pain. I had lost to some extent the control of my thoughts and emotions but I remember that from the beginning I started to smile and my face expressed this intimate joy.
I'm not sure how much time had already passed in that state, but all of a sudden the energy grew even more intense and for a few moments I began to feel a strong discomfort. It was at that point that I felt a presence beside me whisper with an encouraging but detached voice: "keep that lovely smile, keep that lovely smile!"
Banana Bungalow
2360 Collins Ct, Miami Beach, FL 33139
Chapter VI
The illness
As always, after initiation, there is a great sense of liberation and peace. The world seemed brighter, more alive, and after years of inner tension and introspective research, I finally found an oasis of peace and the certainty of having reached an important and definitive goal.
I returned home to Italy for the Christmas holidays and to show my family that I had resolved my inner conflict and that I would be well from then on.
Unfortunately, this was not the case because, although I found a great inner balance, my physical health did not improve and my bodily condition slowly went out to decline in the years to come. After graduating I spent a few years immobilized in bed. Yes, I was at peace with myself but also bitter and in suffering.
At that time there were frequent moments when I was shown why I was in that condition. They were inner revelations that happened mainly in the silent and long nights in which everyone else was sleeping.
I was given to understand that shortly thereafter, the "quotient of light" or "divine intelligence" of the human race would be measured as a collective and based on this an important decision would have been taken by the cosmic intelligence that oversees creation. Depending, in fact, that this level was considered suitable, we would have proceeded to move to a new evolutionary phase of the human race. A quantum leap would have taken place in the consciences of more and more people, a real great awakening that would have allowed us to raise the quality of life and civilization from all points of view.
But if instead we were too little evolved, at that point the cosmic intelligence would have preferred to safeguard the planet earth or Gaia and the forces of nature would have been unleashed to clean up its surface. By another universal flood, perhaps?
This, in fact, was the nightmare that I often had as a child, sometimes even daydreaming, I saw enormous masses of water rising up as in the past some historians say that they swallowed the Atlantean continent. As the sacred scriptures also confirm, with the story of the universal flood.
The inner voice had informed me that some souls had the task of spiritually awoke themselves before the others and in doing so would have contributed to raising the average and triggering an easier awakening for those who would follow over time.
Ours was a quick and brutal awakening in a world still full of dense and dirty energies. And among other things, it had to be carried out in a short time and in extreme conditions that could certainly have affected psycho-physical health more or less acutely. More information on this is given in the theory of "The three waves of awakening", provided by the psychotherapist Dolores Cannon in her many books.
I knew with certainty at one point that, if I continued to awaken my spiritual energies with that rhythm, my body would not hold up. But I was encouraged, always respecting my free will, to sacrifice my life for a much higher and more important cause, that is the greatest good for all.
And so, although filled with love for myself and in full awareness of what was happening, I allowed my body to cross that threshold of pain that left me unable to function in full health for at least 20 years and of which even now, I am paying the full price.
And by the way, we did pass the exam!
